I am in the process of cleaning out a hard drive that has been in my possession since 2000. The files that I am stumbling across are so old and random; I can't believe it was me who wrote them in the first place. I was so scarily honest and hilariously tragic while purging all this brain vomit, never intending for any of it to see the light of day. As such, I will be sporadically posting the best finds on The Lair and then providing one paragraph of context below each submission. These are all my original words as typed. Nothing has been or will be altered to avoid embarrassment. __________________ Dream Club By daniela My idea of a really cool club would be one that played Macy Grey, Tori Amos, Le Tigre, Janet Jackson (90’s era only up to Velvet Rope), Modest Mouse, Tricky, Stereolab, Radiohead, Alicia Keys, Portishead, and other artists like that. And the people would be intelligent, and everyone would be beautiful and inquisitive and funny, and really witty.  And although they might appear as such, no one would be clique oriented. pretentious or rude. Respectful elitism would be allowed, but not to the extent that anyone’s feelings were seriously hurt.  Anyone would be able to experience this club but the regulars would all be against Bush, non religious or theoretically spiritual, probably members of the green party.  People would mix throughout the night, from painting to discussing things with strangers to dancing to experimenting with new exotic drinks. Of course, people would order martinis and daiquiris and cosmopolitans.  The club color scheme would be black and white, with hints of red.  There would be plenty of comfortable places to sit, and people would be reading in a lounge type room or playing chess, or making art. The dance floor would light up with black and red squares of light, and the bartender would be sexually androgynous looking, and wear suspenders. The ceilings would be very high, and rope dancers would swing above the crowd. No one would fall or get hurt.  No one would smoke, or want to.  All bartenders would recycle, and a woman dressed in jade green would walk around silently picking up any waste that people left, and putting it in recycling bins.  But her job would be very easy, as everyone would remember to recycle. There would be an area similar to the Korova Milk Bar, only instead of acid laced milk, they would offer different kinds of thai iced tea, and beautiful men and women of all ethnic backgrounds wearing little except body paint would walk around serving the drinks, bending to ask thought provoking questions on current political issues.  They would get a lot of tips, and enjoy their work and clientele. the only men in this club would be polite metrosexuals, and they wouldn’t all be white.  People would comfortably speak in other languages, and lecherousness would not be allowed, by anyone. Including me, the owner of such a club. There would be a smalls screening room where short films would be played all night long.  A regal looking sign would grace the front door, listing the films that would play each hour with a brief description.  The screening room would offer a full candy bar, and homemade popcorn. And radiohead and following radiohead, Stereolab, would grace us with surprise performances, and then ladytron would do a remix of Playgirl.  The end. I wrote this while living with a family in Washington Heights. I was renting a tiny room from a single mother who often walked around in her underwear, as did both her sons ages seven and twenty three. Once, the bathroom ceiling caved in and it wasn't repaired for a week. We had to use a communal bucket. I think I wrote this while fantasizing about being able to afford a better place, which led to thoughts of something else I did not have at the time - friends.